Post 3
My ability to access inner Presence has never left since that day in the church. When I’m present the many cryptic gospel readings become clear teachings on what it’s like to prioritize spiritual life. “Not I live but Christ lives in me”, and “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds…”. These readings and many others point to the changes that occur when awakened or united with grace. The ideas are not unique to Christianity, but that was the path that worked for me. The teachings point to the difference between experiencing ego and Spirit, or between the thinking, feeling, sensing life of the body and the life of Being. For me embodiment of Being is the goal. I experience Being as a visceral sense of dynamic life force far more powerful than the mind, emotions and pure biology, in its peace, gentleness, strength, joy and many other transcendent qualities. Qualities that can heal and enhance our relationships in the world.
In attending to Being, I may have thoughts, but they are just surface phenomenon that cannot disturb the immensity and unity of Life. Because emotions are linked to how we think and what we believe, when I am with the Spirit and my thoughts are passing notions, my heart is also at peace and fills with a delicious gratitude. I am not likely to be carried by any unconscious waves. Though this constant access to God’s presence became open to me in my youth, I was not yet mature enough to embody that realization as fully as I might. I couldn’t yet see that awakening to the depth of Life was only the beginning. Living it day to day is the work of a lifetime.
Instead when I was touched by grace I almost immediately went to the bar for a drink. I don’t believe drinking is inherently bad, this is just to say that in my young mind I had won the spiritual Superbowl. Or better yet, I was already in the Hall of Fame and could rest on my laurels. My mind almost immediately grabbed the experience and turned it into a cause to celebrate itself.
There is much to celebrate in discovering the truth of Spirit. It’s the very living source of all inspiration. That sounds like a redundancy, but it’s easy to think the money or the new relationship we get is the cause of our happiness. In truth more money or a new relationship might open us up to more inspiration, but the inspiration is always available. We become more disposed to relax and experience it once we get what we think we want.
In my case what I thought I wanted was “awakening”, and I turned the awakening into an object that I got. I began to identify as being awake. While true inspiration didn’t disappear, it became mingled with a kind of specialness and self-congratulation. In my immaturity I used the experience to compensate for the pain of childhood wounds. Parts of me that I had not reckoned with became empowered and amplified by this real connection with Life Force. Feeling that money was more important than relationships in my childhood home, work became a pointless hamster wheel. Make money to have a home to rest up to go to work. I had no notion that a stable home could be there as a foundation for joy and connection. I was favored of God now and that compensated for the inner child that felt unloved. Being special, I would be guided to a better life. I left my job and my apartment, bought a broken down minibus and decided to follow my inspiration where it went…